I guess it's safe to say that I am going to be a commuter next semester. It makes perfect sense for me to do it, it's just going to be a tough transition to make. When I went to Financial Aid yesterday, they told me that if lived at home, I would receive the same aid that I am getting now but I wouldn't have to pay for room and board. We figured out that I would only have to pay roughly $200 for the spring semester compared to the almost $3000 that I had to pay this semester. Not only that but I still owe about $2500 for this semester, so I have to come up with that money before I can register for classes. It'll be rough but I think that I can manage it. So, here's the deal, yes, I am upset about it because I will miss being around friends and having them close by me and no, I do not need anyone else making me feel bad about it, I can do that perfectly fine on my onwn. But, on a selfish note...I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit of how much I will be missed!

Two words to describe me right now...MENTAL BREAKDOWN!!!
I am completely losing my mind...and it's all happening so fast. i am pretty much, about 80% sure that I will enter the rank of commuter next semester...which isn't so bad...but I am going to miss living on campus and I really don't want to have to sit through 45 minutes of traffic.

i hate the fact that the last two weeks of the semester are going to fly by even faster than the whole semester did. i hate it because it seemed to zoom by...where to? some time/space continuum or something. i have to do so much stuff that i have no time to do let alone even think about. i have to talk to fin. aid about finding more loan money or talk to them about my options for commuting. argh.
by the way...thanksgiving break was nice and restful, hence the reason to not want to be back.
another by the way...my bestest best friend from high school/up until about 2 years ago is pregnant...7 months!!! she is due jan. 14 which so happens to be the same day that Eddie(my bro) leaves for the army.
why are all my friends from high school having babies? besides the fact that i am getting old(thank you sara and sabrina, but 22 is NOT old!) i mean the ones that aren't married.
oaky, headache from stress and too much caffeine, i need sleep.

me...continued
27)i have always loved my mom, but now I am coming to appreciate her on a completely different level
28)my parents have sacrificed so much for me and i can never thank them enough and all they ask for in return is my love(which they already have forever)
29)i am very opinionated but i am not obstinate so if your opinion differs from mine, thats okay...you're allowed to be wrong(just kidding, i appreciate everyones opinions)
30)this list is a lot harder to do than I origionally thought, who knew thinking up 100 things about yourself would be hard?

i think that if i am home next semester and commuting, i am definitely okay with it. i am just so tired of having to worry about money and its just too stressful. i dont know, i need some advice.

i am completely insoired by those who have made this list before me...it's basically just a list of things about yourself. it's a tad narcissistic but it's okay every once in a while.

1) i am slightly introverted. anyone who knows would find that hard to believe. it's just that once you get to know me, i really open up and get crazy
2)i hate big crowds(see #1) i am so uncomfortable with groups larger than 20 and i hate forced meetings. i like to let things happen naturally and not because some college dean wants you to have the best experience of your life and the only way to do that is to have forced "mingling"
3)my family has this wierd dynamic where we actually like each other and we have loads of fun whenever we get together
4)one of my best friends right nnow is my little brother, he loves me unconditionally and would kick some guy's ass just for looking at me funny:)
5)i have a passion for taking pictures, something about being able to capture beauty(which is everything) on film makes me infinitely happy
6)i constanly have songs playing through my head, its like a soundtrack for my life
7)the person i miss more than anyone in the entire world would be my Nan...she died when i was 13, and i've missed her like crazy ever since
8)sometimes i wish i could go back to when i was 10, before puberty, before boys, before i had to make life decisions
9)i have never been in love...yet my heart has been broken more times than i can or would care to count
10)my older brother is a bum yet he somehow manages to make me love him for being exactly that
11)my mom and dad have worked incredibly hard to get me to where i am today and i will never EVER be able to thank enough
12)i would much rather be hot than cold but when i sleep i would rather it be cold so i can cuddle up under the blankets
13)i dont really have a favorite season, there are so many wonderful qualities about each of them that it would make it difficult to choose just one
14)i've wanted to live in Georgia since i was 12
15)my favorite music is country
16)i think that there is Southern blood running through my veins, thats the only explanation i have for why a city girl from philly would be inexplicibly drawn to the South and the southern way of life(see #14 & 15)
17)i got my dad's eyes, they change color depending on my mood. i love my eyes but always thought that no one could really see them because they were hidden by my big, huge glasses. now that i have little ones...:)
18)i have come to the realization that even if i am nothing in the worlds eyes, i am SOMEONE in God's eyes and thats a very humbling realization
19)i sometimes feel invisible
20)to cover the distance that has been put between two people, someone has to take the first step and it might as well be me
21)my absolute favorite thing to do when i am home is to put the race on, get my blanket, and nap on the couch while my brother and father are watching the race.
22)actually, correction, my absolute favorite thing to do would be to hang out with my dad:)
23)i still don't know what i want to do with my life and i am okay with that, but if you ask me again in one year when i am only a month from graduation and i still dont know, i will probably be singing a different tune.
24)people i miss tons and would LOVE to see right now;LeeAnn(in S.C.) and Jessie(in Italy)
25)(note:this one is VERY slef-centered) i love when i walk into a room and people say hi to me, its kind of like a validation that i actually DO have friends
26)i was the biggest loser from 4th grade until i went to comm. college. it started when i started listening and caring to what other people thought about me and it stopped when i realized that those people don't matter...hmmm, funny how that works.

sometimes i feel like this kasey chambers song describes my life...

Am I Not Pretty Enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe.
I let it rain on me.
I sleep, I wake.
I try hard not to break.

I crave, I love.
I've waited long enough.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel.
I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze.
I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand.
I take it like a man.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?

I know that is probably completely irrational but sometimes...

so, should the aformentioned be chalked up to a lapse in judgement? perhaps...argh!

i think that i have feelings for this boy...who is a friend and i don't know how these feelings developed, they just did. now i am powerless to stop them. thing is, i don't feel that he is reciprocating my feelings, that's not such a good thing. i was in a good mood earlier and now because i am unsure, its making me feel crappy. i still am not even sure if i like him or not and if i think it is worth pursuing.

keeping in fashion with the lists that make you feel better...not that i'm feeling bad, i just want to make a list...

1. the sound and smell of coffee brewing in the morning
2. talking to my family on the phone
3. walking to class among the changing trees
4. hearing from an old friend
5. receiving a phone message with a song on it:)
6. getting REAL mail
7. hearing your favorite song on the radio
8. the way my little brother(19) comes pounding down the steps when i get home because he misses me
9. having real quality time with God
10. knowing that someone is thinking about you
11. being prayed for
12. getting big hugs that swallow you whole
13. discovering a new cd
14. spending time with jr. highers' who love you just for you
15. being listened to

okay, i'm gonna stop at 15 but this may become a continuing theme throughout my blog, so...

so, came back from the youth workers conv. yesterday in pittsburgh and had an awesome time. i had a great time meeting new people and hanging out with friends that i never see, which was fun, until one of them broke my glasses...;) okay, so i started it:)
i learned alot, not only about youth things but a lot about myself. on saturday, they showed this video from Malawi about the AIDS crisis and i was moved deeply by it, so much so, that i was sobbing.so, this video was about supporting L1FE revolution to bring money and supplies to those suffering. all i could think about was how this would only relieve the suffering slightly, while AIDS is still striking these people and there is nothing about how to stop it from happening. as i was still sobbing, they brought the praise band out and everyone stood up and starting singing all happy, pretty Jesus songs. it was like , "aw, that video made me really sad. now, lets sing happy, pretty songs that make us feel better." i couldn't belive it. it just sort of opened my eyes to how Christians typically take the parts of God that they like, put them together and make this happy, pretty religion. they can show it to people and say,"look at my Jesus. It's so nice and pretty. if you are a Christian, then you will be happy and if you do have anything bad happen, then just put on a happy face, sing our happy praise songs,then your problem will go away.
i don't understand how Christians only take the parts of God that they like and forget the parts that makes them feel uncomfortable.

i dont feel that i am articulating exactly what i am thinking or feeling. if you want to know what i mean, just ask me.

what's your inner flower?

[c] s u g a r d
e w

lets see... i am way super behind on my work, i have 2 tests, a paper, and 5 journals due all before i go to pittsburgh on either thursday night or friday morning, where, when I get there, i don't know where i will be staying...grrr...then i have to miss the next 3 sundays at church, technically 4 because of thanksgiving, then there is on week that i have to miss for a performance, i think, and then we leave the next friday, so i dont think that I will make it to anymore sunday schools, nor will i be teaching any of them. and i dont know if i will be on campus or at hoem next semester and if i am home, then i cant do my internship. AAAHHHH!!!!! stress sucks

I hate money. I hate the way that it controls everything that we do in life. I hate that I don't have enough to enjoy certain things, ie. college; meaning that I can't enjoy my education or the time that I am spending here without worrying whether or not I will be able to afford the tuition each and every semester. I hate that I have to live paycheck to paycheck, but hey, at least I get a paycheck, right? I also feel bad that I complain about not having enough money when people in South America are not even making enough to meet the standard living wages.
I hate being a slacker and huge procrastinator, like right now, I should be doing all the massive amounts of homework that I am behind on but instead, I am online, bemoaning about my lack of funds. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
I feel very bitter right now and I just don't give a damn.

i've been told that i need to update this.
Sabrina, consider this updated...;)

i don't know where I am in life right now. God has plans for me and my life but...what are they? I kinda just go through the motions, ya know? I do have to say that God has blessed me with some wonderful friends on my hall, who, just so happen to be my only readership. Thank you Sabrina and Sara!

oh, and i just figured out that no one reads this...thanks guys.

sarah mclachlan and celine dion sound nothing alike!

im pretty laid back when it comes to teasing. i can handle it, but when it gets to a certain point, you need to back off. case in point...tonight at work, Mo and Bekea were teasing me, and it was all good natured, then Mo crossed the line, I asked him to stop, and he just kept right on going. it got to the point were i got so upset that i had to walk out so that i didnt cuss him out or something. he apologized but it still hurt. see, what many people don't know about me is that I am actually really sensitive. i just built up this wall that keeps me from getting hurt and every once in awhile someone says something that i haven't heard before or sometimes things that i think aboput myself. and if thats the case, then it tells my subconscience that i was write in thinking a certain thing about myself because, obviously, this person thinks that to. whatever, its dumb, im tired and delirious, i need sleep.

i hate how every semester, i can't register for classes on time because i don't get enough money from the school and my parents have $0 to give and i can only give $100 every 2 weeks! it's so frustrating, i would love it if i got more from the school or if my parents didn't have the financial problems they do, and if i didn't have the ones that i did. 22 is way to young to be in debt. i wonder at what age you can technically file for banruptcy...not that i would want to do that, but it may be my only viable option. this is why i think that living at home and commuting would be my best bet. i could save money by living there and have a job where i make more money and then i can pay for college, not worry about the astronomical cost of living in a dorm, buy a car, and still have money to pay off my bills. that would be nice. although i really would miss living on campus, that's my favorite part of college. oh well, we shall see.


COUNTRY MUSIC ROCKS MY WORLD!!!!