i think i'm manic depressive or whatever it is they call it now. i was actually in a good mood today, which these days is out of the norm for me, and then i found out that as of friday, i am no longer employed at my current job. i knew it was going to happen, that they would hire someone full time who isnt a student, but i just didnt think it would happen this soon. it was a job that i really didnt like but i guess when you've been anywhere for a year, being told that you are no longer working there is still gonna hurt.
i've also come to the conclusion that at the end of last semester i said i was okay not being an RA, i was completely lying to myself and to my friends. it hurts, when i go to visit my RA friends and i think that i could be doing it or when i see the ones that really shouldnt be, but are anyway, i think of how much better i could do at there job than they are doing. i guess its just this whole rejection thing that i dont like, whatever. i just really dont give a damn. i'm tired and i am so sick of this crap.
Sunday, August 25, 2002
I laugh so little and cry so much these days. I don't really understand what's going on right now. Nothing makes sense. I stayed at school all summer and that was probably a big mistake. I think it just makes me bitter and that bitterness seaps into other areas of my life. When people ask me how my day was, or how my summer was, the only answer that I can really come up with is, "alright, i guess," without forcing them to suffer through my embittered tales of the surface problems that just cover up the real reason why I am in a constant state of pissiness. I'm also super emotional right now, so when people say things to me that I would normally laugh at, I end up getting hurt and wanting to curl up and cry and make everyone go away. I want to say that the only thing that makes sense in this screwed up existence of mine is Jesus, but I don't even have enough confidence in the statement to make it. We had worship this morning for all the freshman and everyone was singing and praising God, while I just stood there, gritting my teeth, with my arms folded across my chest.Afterwards, everyone was saying how it was an awesome service and how moving it was, and the only movement that I wanted to make was to the door. I don't understand these faith crisis's that I experience. Over and over again i see how God works in my life and in the lives of my friends and I want to be there affirming my faith in Him and celebrating with my friends but i cant get past this sadness that is inside of me. It settles inside my chest and wraps its cold fingers around my heart and squeezes until it feels like i have nothing inside of me but this empty, hurting heart. I should probably talk to someone who could help me work through this but i'm afraid to tell any of my friends that I have these feellings because, one, i have tried before and i feel like no one is listenenig to me and, two, i am afraid of how they would react. i know that if they are truly my friends then they will stand by me, but my i've been hurt too much in the past to trust.