Friday, November 15, 2002

sometimes i feel like this kasey chambers song describes my life...

Am I Not Pretty Enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe.
I let it rain on me.
I sleep, I wake.
I try hard not to break.

I crave, I love.
I've waited long enough.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel.
I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze.
I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand.
I take it like a man.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?

I know that is probably completely irrational but sometimes...
so, should the aformentioned be chalked up to a lapse in judgement? perhaps...argh!

Thursday, November 14, 2002

i think that i have feelings for this boy...who is a friend and i don't know how these feelings developed, they just did. now i am powerless to stop them. thing is, i don't feel that he is reciprocating my feelings, that's not such a good thing. i was in a good mood earlier and now because i am unsure, its making me feel crappy. i still am not even sure if i like him or not and if i think it is worth pursuing.
keeping in fashion with the lists that make you feel better...not that i'm feeling bad, i just want to make a list...

1. the sound and smell of coffee brewing in the morning
2. talking to my family on the phone
3. walking to class among the changing trees
4. hearing from an old friend
5. receiving a phone message with a song on it:)
6. getting REAL mail
7. hearing your favorite song on the radio
8. the way my little brother(19) comes pounding down the steps when i get home because he misses me
9. having real quality time with God
10. knowing that someone is thinking about you
11. being prayed for
12. getting big hugs that swallow you whole
13. discovering a new cd
14. spending time with jr. highers' who love you just for you
15. being listened to

okay, i'm gonna stop at 15 but this may become a continuing theme throughout my blog, so...

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

so, came back from the youth workers conv. yesterday in pittsburgh and had an awesome time. i had a great time meeting new people and hanging out with friends that i never see, which was fun, until one of them broke my glasses...;) okay, so i started it:)
i learned alot, not only about youth things but a lot about myself. on saturday, they showed this video from Malawi about the AIDS crisis and i was moved deeply by it, so much so, that i was sobbing.so, this video was about supporting L1FE revolution to bring money and supplies to those suffering. all i could think about was how this would only relieve the suffering slightly, while AIDS is still striking these people and there is nothing about how to stop it from happening. as i was still sobbing, they brought the praise band out and everyone stood up and starting singing all happy, pretty Jesus songs. it was like , "aw, that video made me really sad. now, lets sing happy, pretty songs that make us feel better." i couldn't belive it. it just sort of opened my eyes to how Christians typically take the parts of God that they like, put them together and make this happy, pretty religion. they can show it to people and say,"look at my Jesus. It's so nice and pretty. if you are a Christian, then you will be happy and if you do have anything bad happen, then just put on a happy face, sing our happy praise songs,then your problem will go away.
i don't understand how Christians only take the parts of God that they like and forget the parts that makes them feel uncomfortable.

i dont feel that i am articulating exactly what i am thinking or feeling. if you want to know what i mean, just ask me.