wow! it's so wierd to have your two best do-anything-for-friends from childhood to be mommies. leeann had her baby this morning at around 6 am and now she is a very happy, but very single, mommy. i tried to write a letter to her the other day, but i couldn't even figure out where to start. its been so long since ive talked to her that its like i dont know her anymore...which is true. its not like i could just start off with "hey!! how are you?!" and go into 20 questions and then just tell her about my life. its just not fair...why do people have to drift apart? why can't stay in touch with those who mean so much to us? why does it have to take someone having a baby and being "alone" have to be what kinda pulls us back to wanting to be back in touch with the person? why can't life be like the second grade when you knew who your friends where and no one was having babies, and all it took was a letter or phone call to make you friends again?

wonderful friends, wonderful family, life is good.

so, i had a pretty good weekend. did absolutely nothing on saturday and then yesterday, i spent the entire day, making my notebook a collage...i have to admit it looks pretty cool. last night, however, i had forgotten completely about the lit. test that i had today! so, at midnight, renee and i started studying for the test and did so until about 2:15 when our brains would no longer gave a damn whether or not cotton mather even lived. we just didnt care, so, roommate studying time turned into roommate bedtime. it was quite nice actually. today, i got to talk to jessie, who's in italy right now! i was so excited, i miss her, but she's having a good time, so thats cool, but i expect her to smuggle some stereotypical, hot italian man for me. i know, keep dreaming, and i will, every night...
we moved our room around AGAIN! that makes three times so far and we have only been here for 5 weeks or so. and what a change ive made since the beginning of the semester. i have alot of trouble adjusting to new things, so even though i had been here all summer, i had to adjust to all the new people, a new roommate(who is wonderful ;), by the way), and a whole bunch of adjustments. but finally, a month later, i am adjusted.
im very tired now, with staying up to study last night, so it is off to bed...goodnight!

so, i realized that more often than i do, i need to remember that i have great friends who love me, a family who loves me dearly, and a God who loves me so much that he sent his SON to die for me...that's a very humbling thought. i had a mostly wonderful day so far. i say mostly cause i felt sick after lunch but anyway, i digress. i double booked myself for lunch today, which some people might think is bad, but to me, that just means that two people want to to see me bad enough to schedule a time to get together. it was an amazing feeling. my one big issue of the day(afternoon?) is that there is this girl that ive known since i transferred here and the more i get to know her, the less i seem to believe that she is an honest person. in that, i dont mean she is a horrible person, i just think that she makes up stories or embellishes truths to make herself sound better and more appealling to those around her. just now, that gets me to thinking...i wonder how much we all do that. i mean, how 100% completely honest are we all the time, or any of the time. its in those rare moments and friendships that we really are ourselves. but this girl, the way she is, makes me question why? why does she act this way, why do any of us pretend to be something we're not? oh well, perhaps that is something to figure out throughout my life...maybe one day. okay, enough of the tirade. i still have an hour left before i have to go to my internship, so i am going to go be productive and read for class or something.

i realize that from some peoples reactions to my ponderings, i should put this little disclaimer in it... i am fine, its just that the only time i feel the need to write is when someone has pissed me off or im just having a bad day, or just a bad afternoon. so, really, i am not mentally distressed or anything, i just havent figured out how to not be so emotional.

you know, i really hate when you like a person and you like this person for a long time and you think that this person likes you back and then they end up hurting you simply because they really dont like you back. i really hate that. i also hate when your friends are all freinds with this person and they think that hes great and talk about him around you all the time and all you want to do is make them shut up. dont they realize that it still hurts to hear about him even though you want nothing to do with him anymore. geez, why do i feel like im back in jr. high?

AARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant even put into words how i feel right now. its a combination of lack of sleep and moodiness. lack of sleep caused by huge amounts of financial debt...moodiness brought on by lack of sleep. its all an ugly circle that is bound to repeat itself over and over again. i hate this, sometimes it makes me wonder where God is in all of this.

by the way, i dont know if i said this but i am totaly happy for kara and jesse!!!

kara got engaged today, well, last night around midnight to be more exact. it's kinda weird when one of your good friends gets engaged. you get this kind of bittersweet feeling about it. on the one hand, i am so completely happy for her and jesse but at the same time, i'm kinda sad too. i dont know if its because she's getting married and moving on into the "adult world" and leaving me behind or if everyone gets this feeling when something like this happens. i can tell you that i am not jealous in the least, but there is something there, that bittersweet thing, that i just can't describe.

you know, there really is something to be said about random, off the wall, mood swings. i don't know what it is, maybe its pms, maybe its the fact that i have tons of emotions running, for the most part, unchecked throughout me and they change at a moments notice. sometimes i dont know if i control my emotions or if they control me. i am just not sure.

I was reading a friends journal and had an interesting thought. in it he was talking about how much silence we waste by spouting trivial, non-sensical ideas, competing with others to make ourselves heard. but really, how much of what is said is actually important? i realized that i myself talk with no purpose and miss out on the blessed experience that is sitting in silence with a friend. many people are uncomfortable by the mere idea of silence, therefore, they fill their space with chatter. how many people can you actually feel completely at peace with in silence without feeling the need to fill the space with words that don't need to be spoken? i am trying something out right now, speaking as little as possible, and speaking only when there is an absolute need to. i'll let you know how it turns out.

so far, this semester has been going very well, mood wise. i really dont understand it, but i think being around sarcastic, bitter people all summer is what made my moods so random. now being around people who are pretty even tempered, its better. the only problem that i really have that i need to work on is that i get into these places where i go online looking for people to satisfy me through chat and through certain websites and i know that those things are not right and that God has something much better for me in the future. i dont know what the draw is but i am reading a book about how, once you open the door to sexual love as opposed to Godly love, while still trying to remain pure, you open yourself up to sexual temptation and frustration. i wish that i could go back to when i was 14 or whatever and decided to hang out with different people so that i could have stayed ignorant about sex. i wish that i could go back to when i was 15 and stopped a guy from making me do things i really didnt want to do. i wish that i could, but i cant. if anyone has any advice as to how i can stop from being tempted, please, let me know!

i think i'm manic depressive or whatever it is they call it now. i was actually in a good mood today, which these days is out of the norm for me, and then i found out that as of friday, i am no longer employed at my current job. i knew it was going to happen, that they would hire someone full time who isnt a student, but i just didnt think it would happen this soon. it was a job that i really didnt like but i guess when you've been anywhere for a year, being told that you are no longer working there is still gonna hurt.
i've also come to the conclusion that at the end of last semester i said i was okay not being an RA, i was completely lying to myself and to my friends. it hurts, when i go to visit my RA friends and i think that i could be doing it or when i see the ones that really shouldnt be, but are anyway, i think of how much better i could do at there job than they are doing. i guess its just this whole rejection thing that i dont like, whatever. i just really dont give a damn. i'm tired and i am so sick of this crap.

I laugh so little and cry so much these days. I don't really understand what's going on right now. Nothing makes sense. I stayed at school all summer and that was probably a big mistake. I think it just makes me bitter and that bitterness seaps into other areas of my life. When people ask me how my day was, or how my summer was, the only answer that I can really come up with is, "alright, i guess," without forcing them to suffer through my embittered tales of the surface problems that just cover up the real reason why I am in a constant state of pissiness. I'm also super emotional right now, so when people say things to me that I would normally laugh at, I end up getting hurt and wanting to curl up and cry and make everyone go away. I want to say that the only thing that makes sense in this screwed up existence of mine is Jesus, but I don't even have enough confidence in the statement to make it. We had worship this morning for all the freshman and everyone was singing and praising God, while I just stood there, gritting my teeth, with my arms folded across my chest.Afterwards, everyone was saying how it was an awesome service and how moving it was, and the only movement that I wanted to make was to the door. I don't understand these faith crisis's that I experience. Over and over again i see how God works in my life and in the lives of my friends and I want to be there affirming my faith in Him and celebrating with my friends but i cant get past this sadness that is inside of me. It settles inside my chest and wraps its cold fingers around my heart and squeezes until it feels like i have nothing inside of me but this empty, hurting heart. I should probably talk to someone who could help me work through this but i'm afraid to tell any of my friends that I have these feellings because, one, i have tried before and i feel like no one is listenenig to me and, two, i am afraid of how they would react. i know that if they are truly my friends then they will stand by me, but my i've been hurt too much in the past to trust.