Arboretum

I had a blast today! I spent over two hours, taking over 300 pictures at the Morris Arboretum. I loved it so much that I got a membership so that I can go back as often as I want. I loved walking around and seeing all the different plants and sculptures and I can't wait to get back and see it when everything is blooming. I passed one lovely, older gentleman who commented, "It's spring!" My response, "I'm so excited!!" Him, "I can tell by your camera!" To which I laughed in response. When I saw him later, he winked and chuckled along with me. I am so excited about how the pictures turned out and it made realize that I was indeed working towards my goal... and that couldn't have made me happier!

Photography

I just saw someone's photography blog and it made me feel frustrated that I haven't actively sought out people to learn from and also that I haven't posted any pictures in a while...
So here are a couple that I took for my friends of their adorable son!

And so it goes

And goes and goes without ever stopping. Life. It moves on and we have the choice to either sit back and watch it fly by, ignorant and unaware of what we are missing, or we can pull up our big girl panties and dive in to live life to the fullest. I think for the last few years I have been living with the former as my attitude. It's not the most exciting way to be but it is, at it's most basic, being. But I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to indulge in all that life has to offer. I want to take chances and look foolish. I want to take risks and succeed. Why so contemplative this morning? I was reading over people's Tweets (thing you do on Twitter) and I was looking at friend's blogs and it made me realize something. That I have been content to watch from the sidelines. Well, no more. I am determined to take action. To celebrate life. To be brave and accept challenges as they come my way.
Keep my accountable. Help me to not sit idly by, content o watch others live. Encourage me to take action.
I'll keep you posted!

Time may change me...

It has finally happened, my friends. I have finally found the moxie, and the new job, to get me to leave my current job. My last day at school will be February 13th and I know it is going to be a very sad, emotional day for me. I have become such good friends with some of my co-workers, that I can't imagine going a day without seeing and talking to them. I really was blessed with such great friendships and I hope that they will continue to grow long after leaving. I gave my notice yesterday and just cried and cried all day. I know I complained often about how I wasn't where I wanted to be, but now that the time has come, I am so sad and so scared. Scared of the unknown, of the new and different.
But I am excited for the new opportunities and experiences that will be presented to me. For the doors that will be open to me. What is this new opportunity, you ask? Well, I will be the personal/executive assistant to the Executive Vice President of a christian counseling center. Mostly office work, organizing, filing, phone, email... typical assistant stuff. But I will also be responsible for marketing letters and typing up contracts. Wow. Big. Exciting. Overwhelming.
No more snack time at 10 and 3. No more 2 hour down time when the kids are sleeping. No more hugs and kisses and "I love you, miss Susie." I'm going to miss that the most. When the kids come in with a picture they drew just for me. When they come running up to me with hugs because they missed me even though I was only gone for 30 minutes. Laughing with my friends. Helping a child solve a problem. Meeting developmental and emotional goals. Okay, so I won't miss the diapers, the crying, the peeing on the floor, the overwhelming number of kids. But I will count my time there as one of the best experiences of my life. It is time to move and move on I will.
I could stay there for a long time and be safe and comfortable and marginally happy. But I would not be obedient to God's will who has called me to move on and rise to a new challenge. So, if it's a choice between obedience and disobedience, the choice is clear. It just so much harder.
Sorry for the really long blog but apparently I had a lot to clear out of my mind. Thanks for taking the time to read, to listen to me babble and to support me.

I've been told the holidays...

I've been told the holidays have a tendency to make a person lonely and slightly miserable. Not by any one person but by society and the media. But if I have to go to one more family or church function by myself and go home by myself, I might go crazy. And it's not when I am in the midst of the celebrations, it's after. After I've gone home or after everyone has left and I am left to clean up. Okay, now that I sound sufficiently whiny and slightly off-kilter... and a little embarassed, I'm gonna go.

Happy Thanksgiving

Here are some things that I think of on Thanksgiving... How thankful I am for my family, but how I wish it weren't just the five people in my family... it's like the same old dinner at my mom's but transported to my house with a turkey.
I hope that maybe one year it will be my brothers and I, plus spouses and children.
We shall see.
And, since when did my brother have to be entertained? Why do we have to bend over backwards to make Thanksgiving a day when he isn't "bored?" I mean, can someone tell me what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about?
Anybody?

Has it really been that long?

I just looked at my blog and realized I haven't updated it in 2 months!!! That's ludicrous. That's insane. That means that absolutely nothing has happened in that time. That's depressing. Two months go by and all I can say is...?

Now, in my life, nothing may be happening but in the world around me, it's some crazy times. The election is days away, the economy is in the toilet, the Phillies won the World Series... I'm not going to start proseletizing about which candidate to vote for because by now, if you aren't sure who you are voting for, nothing I say will help you determine your vote. If the mass phone calls, emails, mailings and tv ads haven't helped you make up your mind... you've been living under a rock. Seriously, I am only going to say one more thing about politics: vote. Do not miss your chance on Tuesday to vote for a new leader and to change the direction this country is headed. Political rant over.

Last week, I had someone tell that I should give online dating a try. WHAT!? No, thank you. I may not be perfectly happy being single but I am perfectly happy waiting for the right time, the right person and as corny as it may sound to some, I am perfectly happy waiting on God's timing. Does this mean that online dating is out? Not really, but is out for now? Yes. But, you may ask, where will I meet someone? I have no idea. Does that bother me? Sometimes. Most times I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, plus I like being a little selfish with my time. Okay, I vowed never to turn this blog into Single Girl Seeking While Ranting About Being Single, so I'm going to move on.

How's the job search? Not so hot. There is nothing and I mean nothing open at this time. People are being laid off and many companies have put into effect a hiring freeze. I guess I just have to stick it out a little longer.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to end this post, so here's a picture...

Huh?

I just posted some pictures to my newly created Flickr page (http://www.flickr.com/photos/susiegirl) and as I was looking over them, I saw this..."Uploaded on September 1, 2008." Who can tell me, where did summer go? Why is it already September 1? and why does time just keep flying by? I feel like the older I get, the quicker time flies, and I am NOT a happy camper. What happened to the lazy days of sleeping in, of spending oodles of time at the beach, of doing absolutely nothing? Oh, right, it's called adulthood and I do not like it at all. I have decided to resign from growing up and revert to my childhood again... sigh. If only I could.

On the Lakeside

As promised, here are some trips from my New York trip!

These two are my favorite!

Whirlwind Month

Phew! I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted! For those of you who didn't know, my computer was out of service for three weeks and I just got it back a few days ago. And while I may not have had my computer, that doesn't mean I didn't stop take pictures! Oh no, my friends... I went crazy. I took a week off from work to volunteer at my old camp, so I have a ton of pictures from that (I LOVE taking pictures of kids!) and then I spent a few days with my good friends in upstate New York. Thanks Carly and Brian for letting me invade your home for a few days and take pictures of your adorable child!


Is there an update on the job front, you ask? Absolutely not. It is so hard to look for a job without a computer, so hopefully now, I will be able to jump in where I left off. If anyone knows of how to get into photography as more than just a hobby, let me know! Short of working for Sears or Picture People, I haven't a clue how to get started!

Anyway, on to what you are all looking for... Pictures!











Stay tuned for pictures from my weekend with the Nodine's!

Some new pictures

I was trying to be artistic...

Celebrations

I have to take a moment to thank everyone that was involved in my birthday celebrations yesterday. For those of you who didn't know, yesterday was my birthday and I showed up to work in a most celebratory outfit. At my job, you can wear jeans on your birthday, so there I was, in jeans and this fun t-shirt that I bought near Valentine's Day at Target. It's a cute white shirt with a cupcake that says "sweet cake." Sounds fun, right? Well, to top it off, I added this ridiculously large, gold, sparkly tiara to the mix. What's a birthday without a birthday crown, right? I was in full party mode all day, brownies and cookies for me and the kids in my class for snack and at lunch time, a wonderful surprise. My mom came to my work with a tray of cupcakes! I loved the cupcakes because she is an amazing baker but I loved the fact that she came to my job even better. My mom is totally awesome and I couldn't have asked for a better surprise. Then, that night we had our Young Adult picnic at Nana's house and when I got there, they had set up balloons and a Happy Birthday sign. I was showered with love and very thoughtful gifts that mean so much to me. You can tell that my friends really know me and that touches my heart than any present ever could. Of course, a whole day celebrating me meant that today there was a little bit of birthday withdraw, but I quickly bounced back and am now ready to enjoy this next phase of my life. God has something amazing for me and I am ready to embrace it!

Where to Go

So, some of you may be wondering why this blog's url is where2go... some of you may not notice but I digress. Here is a little insight into why I picked this particular one. I thrive on trying new things, going new places and exploring new sensations. When I created this blog back in college, I was searching for what to do after graduation... which never turned out to be what I expected. After a few years of mindless drudgery at my current place of employment (which I'm not allowed to use the name by request of the main corporate office) I found myself wanting to change the website and name it something else. I had become complacent and stuck in my situation. But now, I find myself in that same situation, all over again. I have fianlly realized that staying in a mind-numbing job with no variable of change is slowly (or quickly?) sucking the life out of me. God did not create me to be stuck in the day in and day out. I was created to constantly change and grow and experience. By staying in one unchanging environment for so long, I have been going against who God created me to be, hence, the misery of my life. So, you may be asking, "What does this all mean?" What it means, my friends, is that I am on the cusp of change, a new beginning of sorts. Where am I going? I have no idea, but I have faith in the One who created me to move me beyond my situation and into the next chapter of my life. Scary? Very. But I am ready. God has been preparing me my entire life for this particular time and I am ready. Now, do I know where this search is going to take me? Absolutely not. It could be an adminstrative assistant in an office, front desk worker for a photography studio or something that I hadn't even considered. And I am embracing the uncertainty with open arms and a faith in a certain and unchanging God.

Motivation

The job that I have been waiting to open since February has just opened. So, one would think that I would rush right to getting my resume in, but have I? No, all becauseof 2 things. One, I need to have 3 professional references and I only have 2 and two, because I'm nervous. I'm scared to step out and try something different. As much as I complain about my current job, it' one that I know. I know the people, I know how everything works, I know how to work around things. I mean, I have been there for almost three years, and when you are somewhere for that long, you get comfortable. So, people, I am asking for some motivation. I want someone to encourage me on this and not stop asking me if I have sent in my resume. Can you do that for me?

And, of course, it wouldn't be a post if I didn't put in some of my new favorite photos.

We had a "Bubble Pop Dance Party" at school!

First off, I just want to say that I am completely obsessed with taking pictures. My camera goes absolutely everywhere with me, even outside in my complex, where I just took over 125 pictures. I think I take decent pictures and I really enjoy going through them on my computer and picking out which ones I like the best. Or how about the 10 I just took of candy, yes you read that right... candy. It is just so colorful and it's fun to play with the different angles and what not.

Okay, secondly, I would like people to pray for me because I am applying for a job that would be a great opportunity. I am applying at Eastern to be an Admissions Counselor. Now, who here doesn't think that's perfect for me? I mean, talking to people all day, calling them, giving little presentations at high school college fairs, connecting with students and making connection in different areas. Plus, I would get to travel a little too. So, if you guys could just remember me in your prayers that this goes the way it's supposed to go... I know it may not be meant for me, but it sure seems it. Thanks.

And I will leave you with a couple of my favorite, recent photos.

I was just reminded today that I haven't updated in eons... so I thought that I would post some fun pics that I took with my new camera. I am absolutely in love with my Nikon D40!

To all of my die-hard fans... I apologize for my lapse in postings. What has been going on you ask? Absolutely nothing. Well, life does move on and things are constanly moving and changing but for all intents and purposes, nada.

I'm kind of getting tired of hearing people say that I'm going to waste away to nothing. I have plenty of it all left that I'm positive that won't happen. Plus, I love to eat way too much to ever let that happen. Anyway, Happy New Year! And don't try to make resolutions, just make lifestyle choices because they are what lasts in the long run.

145! I hit goal! YAYAYAYAYAY! So exciting!

YAY! I am 145.5, which is a half of a pound from my goal weight! Now, that is exciting! But of course, it means I am going to work even harder to reach my next goal. I think I might work in 5 pound increments and see how each one goes, so that would mean my next goal is 140. Or, I might just stay at this place for awhile and kick it up when it gets warmer. Honestly, there is no way I am walking or running out in that freezing cold and snow. That's right, it snowed this morning! And this behind does not workout in frigid weather!

So, the other day I was walking through one of the classes at school and one of the moms stopped me, grabbed my arm and said, "You've lost a TON of weight!" Now, I do know this woman, her son was in my class all of last year, so she knew me when I was bigger. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I mean, sure, I like getting compliments but I guess it depends on the tone of voice and who is saying it. I had two people on the same day tell me I was wasting away but for some reason, that didn't seem to bother me at all. I am just trying to take them as they come and I guess that's all I can do. It's hard having all these people who knew me "then." Because sometimes, while it is nice to receive compliments, it would be even nicer if people didn't always bring up how I used to look. It's funny because I never really thought I was all that big to begin with but, as time goes on and I find pictures of myself...
Ok, so enough with the whining for whining's sake.

Umm, duh. How about a new, recent picture.

This is from last Halloween!

So, I realized that I haven't posted anything in a couple of weeks, so to satisfy my 2 readers (or is that me being generous?) here we go. Life in my world has been flipped completely upside down. I have no time to breathe let alone worry about my calorie count and exercise. I do think about it in the back of my mind but... I am still losing. This week has been a particularly tough one with a trip to Hersheypark and Halloween and a baby shower at work, so I kind of pigged out all week. But never fear, I am getting back on track! Right now, I am only 5-ish pounds from my goal of 145. Some days I am only 3 but today, it's 5. What are you gonna do? Worry about it? No, just get right back into the game. For a little motivation for myself, I thought I would post a picture of me from before, just so I can see how far I have come.

Holy cow! It's a little scary! This is from 2 years ago!

I am a pound and a half from being in the 140's!!! I can't honestly tell you the last time I weighed that little. Confession time... even though I lost over 50 pounds, there are days when all i can think is "Ugh, my butt is huge!" and "If I could only lose some in my stomach that would be great." Hopefully I will get to a point of reconcilliation with the way my body is and it's how God created me to be. I would really like to reach my goal that is only 7 pounds away and then I want to get my tattoo and after that whatever happens, I won't kill myself to be something that my body won't let me be. I will only go so far, now that I feel better about myself and feel "normal" I'm not going to beat myself up so much.

So, apparently, you can get to a phase where you aren't losing any more weight... the little thing I like to call a plateau. They truly are unfair, I haven't changed my eating and so I haven't been working out as much but still... I want results. According to other people and my clothing size, I still am shaping up because I am down to a 10 in some stores. It's just frustrating.

That fancy "oh-la-la" dress? Too big! I love this!!! Seriously people, let's be excited!

So, last night I went to try on clothes at Old Navy... and I was a size 10!!!!!! I have never, ever, to me recollection been a 10. That is just amazing. Now, sometimes I do worry that it is happening really fast but when you think about it, I started this all when I moved out of my parent's house with the healthy eating and trying to work out and I just kicked it up this year. So, really, it's been about a year and a half to lose 50.. that's right 50 pounds and almost 5 dress sizes! I have to remind myself of that since I am a worrier.

OH MY GOODNESS!! I am actually now a size 12!!! I haven't been a 12 since I was 12! And I am now officially lighter than I was in high school, at 158!! Holy moly, I am the incredible shrinking woman!!!! This whole eating right thing has become so ingrained in my everyday, that even when I slack off on exercise, I still lose! I just need to exercise more for fitness and to tone up!

This is my "oh-la-la" dress. Can you believe that I only spent 17 dollars on this?

Even though I have lost 40 pounds, that's right... 40, I still see myself as fat. I buy the skinnier clothes, but I just can't seem to see it in myself. The only time I do is when I look at pictures between then and now. I have to put a pic in my wallet to keep reminding myself. Right now, I am 162 and at a little plateau. This is where I have to either kick it up like crazy or stay comfy. My goal seems so close, but so far away...

I LOST 4 MORE POUNDS!!!!! I'm down to in between a 14 and a 16, mostly 14. And my hope is that the 14 will be too big!

I've decided to blog about my exercise and weight loss on here even though no one reads it. It just feels good to post it somewhere and my family is sick of hearing about it. So I don't really know what triggered it but all of a sudden I looked at myself and thought, "Oh my God, I am huge" which is really not a fun thought to have. I had kind of been losing a little bit of weight for a while, a little here and a little there but nothing big. Then I got sick about two months ago and couldn't eat normally for almost two weeks. Ever since then, my appetite has changed and I have become more concerned about what I eat. So I ended up losing about 15-20 pounds theough that whole time (the illness and the month that followed) and somebody at work had started walking and losing weight, so I decided to give it a try. So, I started walking on my lunch break, which progressed to me walking at the park almost every night after work. So far I've lost almost 30 pounds (28 to be exact, but who's counting ;)! ) and I am determined to keep going and do this diet and exercise as a whole lifestyle change. Right now my weight ahs gone from 203 to 175 and my goal is to get down to 150 and possibly even 145 (which would be 15 pounds lighter than I was in high school) by the new year. It has taken me a little less than 6 months to lose 28 and I'm thinking that it should take about another 5-6 for the next 25. Wish me luck!

So, to update again...I hate my job. There has to more to life than this. Where am I supposed to go from here and will I ever find a career that is satisfying?

I am officially updating my blog. I'm not quite sure who still reads this but I'll just give it a shot in the dark. I have job(Hallelujah!) as a preschool teacher at the Goddard School. So far, it's been 6 weeks and so far I still like it.
I also joined (drum roll, please) eHarmony! I thought that it would be like admitting defeat or something stupid like that but so far so good. I have 13 matches from all over the country and I just joined on Tuesday(5 days ago) Not bad, but we'll see if anything comes of it.

Searching for a job is like "searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie." Sorry, I just had to a little quote from Clueless. Anyway, it's not that bad but it is frustrating. I am learning a very important lesson, however. I am learning to wait on God and that things happen in my timing and not when I want it to happen. That happens when you tell God that you are ready for what He has for you. He really wants to make sure that you are ready. I just wish it would happen a little faster, but again, I must wait on His timing.

Today, I am pretty down in the doldrums. On days like this, I feel like I will never find a job, I will never be able to pay off my school loans, and I will always live at home. There is nothing about today that is different from other days, except for my stinky attitude and bad mood. Hey, I'm trying.

Sure, it's been quite a while since I have written in this thing but that doesn't mean that my life has come to a complete standstill.
Yes, I am still technically unemployed meaning that I do not have full time job that is permanent but I do have a summer job and that should count for something. That means that I do not need to really start to worry about what I will be doing, oh for say, maybe a month until I need to begin the unemployed freekout.
It's hard because I know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life but that doesn't make finding a job any easier. I guess it's almost bad that I know what I want because then I am going to be that much more picky in finding myself a job. I'm not going to be content settling for anything less than I feel that I am being called to. I feel like God is calling me to full time camp ministry but I haven't yet found my position. That means, however, that I do not want to settle for a day care nor do I want to teach in a Christian school, which my mother thinks that I should do.
Okay, so enough of my "I don't have a job" griping. Let's talk about something else. Like how I think that this boy likes me, which is very flattering but I don't think that he is quite my type. I'm all for nerdy guys but when a guy is way skinnier than me and, well a little bit dorkier and younger (3 years and still in college)I'm apt to say that he isn't quite my type.
Now, everyone is filled in on the exciting goings on of my life. Aren't you glad you just took the extra time to find that out?

We've finally, officially moved, like a month and a half ago. Anyway, still unemployed still looking. blahh blahh blah...i am no longer in the mood to write anymore in this.

Just to let all of you know, I am still unemployed and still looking for a job...not fun. Iwould love to be working at a real job right now, but alas. Oh and for the last 2 weeks, I have been sleeping on the floor, not a couch or with friends, but the floor, but luckily only a few more days until we move into the new house!!!

Merry Christmas those of you who still read this...and Happy New Year!
Good news on the home front...we have a place to move into on the 15th of January. We move out of our house on the 31st, but our realtor offered my parents a two bedroom apartment, rent free for the two weeks between homes! I will probably be staying with friends, since I don't want to sleep on the couch...but we shall see. New address will be forthcoming!

Anguish. That's the only emotion that properly describes how I'm feeling now.
How do things like this happen? My best friend from like forever, is pregnant again. And spare the sarcasm of "Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other..." because it doesn't apply here. The dad is apparently a jack-ass and the father of her first child. She's pregnant with twins and she's 7 months pregnant, planning to give the babies away, because as a single mother, she just wants the best for her 2 little girls that she loves very much, enough to give them the kind of home that she can't. God, it makes me so angry! Why do these kind of things have to happen. The one silver lining to this stormy cloud is that she will be moving up here, at least until the girls are born, from South Carolina, so it will give us a chance to patch things up. We really haven't seen each other since she moved in 96, and we haven't talked for almost that long. I just hope that when her babies grow up, they will know that their mommy loved them very much.

So, I have unofficially started my job search. We are down to 2 months from today that I graduate and I want to be sure that when I graduate, I have a job to go to. So far, I have found a few camps that do these post college internships where not only do you get a small weekly salary, but they also provide room and board! And since I don't feel that at this point I am qualified enough to just go into a camp administration job, an internship would be perfect because that would be some nice hands on training and plus, I would be guarunteed at least one year in a job. But other than that, Jessie, you are right, job hunting does suck.

Sabrina, I know that you are virtually the only reading this, so then I guess this one is for you. Actually, it is for you because it's just telling you that I miss seeing you around and that we need to get together soon! Seriously!

Sabrina, here you go, I am updating my blog...not only am I updating it, I went back and found my list and reposted it...all for you!

Okay, right now, I have a very strong dislike for my mother. A very, VERY strong one. She asked me to tell her why I was acting a certain way about getting a new car, so dummy me, I told her. So, i was sitting at the kitchen table, pouring my heart out and crying about my troubles and she had the nerve to get mad at me. I don't get it, "here let me ask you...share your feelings with me, oh but don't share anything that would upset me or make me mad. Those you can keep to yourself, buried inside, so that they fester and eat away at your insides until one day, when you're 35, you stop talking to me altogether and we don't speak until I am dying." Okay, so she didn't say that to me, but essentially that is what it boiled down to.

Sorry, let me make this a little more happy now...classes start in like 4 days and I get to see everyone that I have been missing terribly for the last 4 months.

Graduation in (hopefully) like 75 days or something like that. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

okay, i'm registered, classes start tomorrow, and i am quietly missing the excitement and familiarity of being back on campus. but, this commuting is starting a whole new chapter in my life and i am ecited about what opportunities will come about.

Okay, so I know it's been a little while since I've updated this, but come on, christmas brwak is a little rushed. Oh and there really hasn't been anything to talk about...I got a job at Ruby Tuesday's, i got a new cell phone, i still don't know if I will have the money to even take classes at school...hoping and praying that that comes through. anywaym that's about it.

settling in for my last night in Eastern University sanctioned housing. it's kinda sad, but sadder still was my last night at Manoa, which was last night. I didn't want to have to tell them I was leaving because I knew that I would cry, but we had to let them know, and yes, I cried. Today I got an email from one of my girls who told me how much she is going to miss me and that she would pray for me, that part makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. I'm relieved that I won't have to stress about how to pay for next semester but at the same time, I know that I will feel like I'm missing out by not living on campus.

I missed church today and it wasn't my fault. I asked Nicki for a ride last night and I think that she forgot about me because this morning...no Nicki. I am annoyed too, because it was supposed to be my last Sunday morning there, since I am commuting next semester. And we were supposed to light the Advent candle, too. I am really bummed about that. Anyway, I have to tell people from church that I am not going to be there next semester, but I would try to get there whenever possible. I hate the fact that I am not going to be able to keep my one year commitment to Manoa but these things happen and are beyond my control. Grrr.

I guess it's safe to say that I am going to be a commuter next semester. It makes perfect sense for me to do it, it's just going to be a tough transition to make. When I went to Financial Aid yesterday, they told me that if lived at home, I would receive the same aid that I am getting now but I wouldn't have to pay for room and board. We figured out that I would only have to pay roughly $200 for the spring semester compared to the almost $3000 that I had to pay this semester. Not only that but I still owe about $2500 for this semester, so I have to come up with that money before I can register for classes. It'll be rough but I think that I can manage it. So, here's the deal, yes, I am upset about it because I will miss being around friends and having them close by me and no, I do not need anyone else making me feel bad about it, I can do that perfectly fine on my onwn. But, on a selfish note...I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit of how much I will be missed!

Two words to describe me right now...MENTAL BREAKDOWN!!!
I am completely losing my mind...and it's all happening so fast. i am pretty much, about 80% sure that I will enter the rank of commuter next semester...which isn't so bad...but I am going to miss living on campus and I really don't want to have to sit through 45 minutes of traffic.

i hate the fact that the last two weeks of the semester are going to fly by even faster than the whole semester did. i hate it because it seemed to zoom by...where to? some time/space continuum or something. i have to do so much stuff that i have no time to do let alone even think about. i have to talk to fin. aid about finding more loan money or talk to them about my options for commuting. argh.
by the way...thanksgiving break was nice and restful, hence the reason to not want to be back.
another by the way...my bestest best friend from high school/up until about 2 years ago is pregnant...7 months!!! she is due jan. 14 which so happens to be the same day that Eddie(my bro) leaves for the army.
why are all my friends from high school having babies? besides the fact that i am getting old(thank you sara and sabrina, but 22 is NOT old!) i mean the ones that aren't married.
oaky, headache from stress and too much caffeine, i need sleep.

me...continued
27)i have always loved my mom, but now I am coming to appreciate her on a completely different level
28)my parents have sacrificed so much for me and i can never thank them enough and all they ask for in return is my love(which they already have forever)
29)i am very opinionated but i am not obstinate so if your opinion differs from mine, thats okay...you're allowed to be wrong(just kidding, i appreciate everyones opinions)
30)this list is a lot harder to do than I origionally thought, who knew thinking up 100 things about yourself would be hard?

i think that if i am home next semester and commuting, i am definitely okay with it. i am just so tired of having to worry about money and its just too stressful. i dont know, i need some advice.

i am completely insoired by those who have made this list before me...it's basically just a list of things about yourself. it's a tad narcissistic but it's okay every once in a while.

1) i am slightly introverted. anyone who knows would find that hard to believe. it's just that once you get to know me, i really open up and get crazy
2)i hate big crowds(see #1) i am so uncomfortable with groups larger than 20 and i hate forced meetings. i like to let things happen naturally and not because some college dean wants you to have the best experience of your life and the only way to do that is to have forced "mingling"
3)my family has this wierd dynamic where we actually like each other and we have loads of fun whenever we get together
4)one of my best friends right nnow is my little brother, he loves me unconditionally and would kick some guy's ass just for looking at me funny:)
5)i have a passion for taking pictures, something about being able to capture beauty(which is everything) on film makes me infinitely happy
6)i constanly have songs playing through my head, its like a soundtrack for my life
7)the person i miss more than anyone in the entire world would be my Nan...she died when i was 13, and i've missed her like crazy ever since
8)sometimes i wish i could go back to when i was 10, before puberty, before boys, before i had to make life decisions
9)i have never been in love...yet my heart has been broken more times than i can or would care to count
10)my older brother is a bum yet he somehow manages to make me love him for being exactly that
11)my mom and dad have worked incredibly hard to get me to where i am today and i will never EVER be able to thank enough
12)i would much rather be hot than cold but when i sleep i would rather it be cold so i can cuddle up under the blankets
13)i dont really have a favorite season, there are so many wonderful qualities about each of them that it would make it difficult to choose just one
14)i've wanted to live in Georgia since i was 12
15)my favorite music is country
16)i think that there is Southern blood running through my veins, thats the only explanation i have for why a city girl from philly would be inexplicibly drawn to the South and the southern way of life(see #14 & 15)
17)i got my dad's eyes, they change color depending on my mood. i love my eyes but always thought that no one could really see them because they were hidden by my big, huge glasses. now that i have little ones...:)
18)i have come to the realization that even if i am nothing in the worlds eyes, i am SOMEONE in God's eyes and thats a very humbling realization
19)i sometimes feel invisible
20)to cover the distance that has been put between two people, someone has to take the first step and it might as well be me
21)my absolute favorite thing to do when i am home is to put the race on, get my blanket, and nap on the couch while my brother and father are watching the race.
22)actually, correction, my absolute favorite thing to do would be to hang out with my dad:)
23)i still don't know what i want to do with my life and i am okay with that, but if you ask me again in one year when i am only a month from graduation and i still dont know, i will probably be singing a different tune.
24)people i miss tons and would LOVE to see right now;LeeAnn(in S.C.) and Jessie(in Italy)
25)(note:this one is VERY slef-centered) i love when i walk into a room and people say hi to me, its kind of like a validation that i actually DO have friends
26)i was the biggest loser from 4th grade until i went to comm. college. it started when i started listening and caring to what other people thought about me and it stopped when i realized that those people don't matter...hmmm, funny how that works.

sometimes i feel like this kasey chambers song describes my life...

Am I Not Pretty Enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe.
I let it rain on me.
I sleep, I wake.
I try hard not to break.

I crave, I love.
I've waited long enough.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel.
I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze.
I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand.
I take it like a man.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?

I know that is probably completely irrational but sometimes...

so, should the aformentioned be chalked up to a lapse in judgement? perhaps...argh!

i think that i have feelings for this boy...who is a friend and i don't know how these feelings developed, they just did. now i am powerless to stop them. thing is, i don't feel that he is reciprocating my feelings, that's not such a good thing. i was in a good mood earlier and now because i am unsure, its making me feel crappy. i still am not even sure if i like him or not and if i think it is worth pursuing.

keeping in fashion with the lists that make you feel better...not that i'm feeling bad, i just want to make a list...

1. the sound and smell of coffee brewing in the morning
2. talking to my family on the phone
3. walking to class among the changing trees
4. hearing from an old friend
5. receiving a phone message with a song on it:)
6. getting REAL mail
7. hearing your favorite song on the radio
8. the way my little brother(19) comes pounding down the steps when i get home because he misses me
9. having real quality time with God
10. knowing that someone is thinking about you
11. being prayed for
12. getting big hugs that swallow you whole
13. discovering a new cd
14. spending time with jr. highers' who love you just for you
15. being listened to

okay, i'm gonna stop at 15 but this may become a continuing theme throughout my blog, so...

so, came back from the youth workers conv. yesterday in pittsburgh and had an awesome time. i had a great time meeting new people and hanging out with friends that i never see, which was fun, until one of them broke my glasses...;) okay, so i started it:)
i learned alot, not only about youth things but a lot about myself. on saturday, they showed this video from Malawi about the AIDS crisis and i was moved deeply by it, so much so, that i was sobbing.so, this video was about supporting L1FE revolution to bring money and supplies to those suffering. all i could think about was how this would only relieve the suffering slightly, while AIDS is still striking these people and there is nothing about how to stop it from happening. as i was still sobbing, they brought the praise band out and everyone stood up and starting singing all happy, pretty Jesus songs. it was like , "aw, that video made me really sad. now, lets sing happy, pretty songs that make us feel better." i couldn't belive it. it just sort of opened my eyes to how Christians typically take the parts of God that they like, put them together and make this happy, pretty religion. they can show it to people and say,"look at my Jesus. It's so nice and pretty. if you are a Christian, then you will be happy and if you do have anything bad happen, then just put on a happy face, sing our happy praise songs,then your problem will go away.
i don't understand how Christians only take the parts of God that they like and forget the parts that makes them feel uncomfortable.

i dont feel that i am articulating exactly what i am thinking or feeling. if you want to know what i mean, just ask me.

what's your inner flower?

[c] s u g a r d
e w

lets see... i am way super behind on my work, i have 2 tests, a paper, and 5 journals due all before i go to pittsburgh on either thursday night or friday morning, where, when I get there, i don't know where i will be staying...grrr...then i have to miss the next 3 sundays at church, technically 4 because of thanksgiving, then there is on week that i have to miss for a performance, i think, and then we leave the next friday, so i dont think that I will make it to anymore sunday schools, nor will i be teaching any of them. and i dont know if i will be on campus or at hoem next semester and if i am home, then i cant do my internship. AAAHHHH!!!!! stress sucks

I hate money. I hate the way that it controls everything that we do in life. I hate that I don't have enough to enjoy certain things, ie. college; meaning that I can't enjoy my education or the time that I am spending here without worrying whether or not I will be able to afford the tuition each and every semester. I hate that I have to live paycheck to paycheck, but hey, at least I get a paycheck, right? I also feel bad that I complain about not having enough money when people in South America are not even making enough to meet the standard living wages.
I hate being a slacker and huge procrastinator, like right now, I should be doing all the massive amounts of homework that I am behind on but instead, I am online, bemoaning about my lack of funds. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
I feel very bitter right now and I just don't give a damn.

i've been told that i need to update this.
Sabrina, consider this updated...;)