Okay, so I know it's been a little while since I've updated this, but come on, christmas brwak is a little rushed. Oh and there really hasn't been anything to talk about...I got a job at Ruby Tuesday's, i got a new cell phone, i still don't know if I will have the money to even take classes at school...hoping and praying that that comes through. anywaym that's about it.

settling in for my last night in Eastern University sanctioned housing. it's kinda sad, but sadder still was my last night at Manoa, which was last night. I didn't want to have to tell them I was leaving because I knew that I would cry, but we had to let them know, and yes, I cried. Today I got an email from one of my girls who told me how much she is going to miss me and that she would pray for me, that part makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. I'm relieved that I won't have to stress about how to pay for next semester but at the same time, I know that I will feel like I'm missing out by not living on campus.

I missed church today and it wasn't my fault. I asked Nicki for a ride last night and I think that she forgot about me because this morning...no Nicki. I am annoyed too, because it was supposed to be my last Sunday morning there, since I am commuting next semester. And we were supposed to light the Advent candle, too. I am really bummed about that. Anyway, I have to tell people from church that I am not going to be there next semester, but I would try to get there whenever possible. I hate the fact that I am not going to be able to keep my one year commitment to Manoa but these things happen and are beyond my control. Grrr.

I guess it's safe to say that I am going to be a commuter next semester. It makes perfect sense for me to do it, it's just going to be a tough transition to make. When I went to Financial Aid yesterday, they told me that if lived at home, I would receive the same aid that I am getting now but I wouldn't have to pay for room and board. We figured out that I would only have to pay roughly $200 for the spring semester compared to the almost $3000 that I had to pay this semester. Not only that but I still owe about $2500 for this semester, so I have to come up with that money before I can register for classes. It'll be rough but I think that I can manage it. So, here's the deal, yes, I am upset about it because I will miss being around friends and having them close by me and no, I do not need anyone else making me feel bad about it, I can do that perfectly fine on my onwn. But, on a selfish note...I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit of how much I will be missed!

Two words to describe me right now...MENTAL BREAKDOWN!!!
I am completely losing my mind...and it's all happening so fast. i am pretty much, about 80% sure that I will enter the rank of commuter next semester...which isn't so bad...but I am going to miss living on campus and I really don't want to have to sit through 45 minutes of traffic.

i hate the fact that the last two weeks of the semester are going to fly by even faster than the whole semester did. i hate it because it seemed to zoom by...where to? some time/space continuum or something. i have to do so much stuff that i have no time to do let alone even think about. i have to talk to fin. aid about finding more loan money or talk to them about my options for commuting. argh.
by the way...thanksgiving break was nice and restful, hence the reason to not want to be back.
another by the way...my bestest best friend from high school/up until about 2 years ago is pregnant...7 months!!! she is due jan. 14 which so happens to be the same day that Eddie(my bro) leaves for the army.
why are all my friends from high school having babies? besides the fact that i am getting old(thank you sara and sabrina, but 22 is NOT old!) i mean the ones that aren't married.
oaky, headache from stress and too much caffeine, i need sleep.

me...continued
27)i have always loved my mom, but now I am coming to appreciate her on a completely different level
28)my parents have sacrificed so much for me and i can never thank them enough and all they ask for in return is my love(which they already have forever)
29)i am very opinionated but i am not obstinate so if your opinion differs from mine, thats okay...you're allowed to be wrong(just kidding, i appreciate everyones opinions)
30)this list is a lot harder to do than I origionally thought, who knew thinking up 100 things about yourself would be hard?

i think that if i am home next semester and commuting, i am definitely okay with it. i am just so tired of having to worry about money and its just too stressful. i dont know, i need some advice.

i am completely insoired by those who have made this list before me...it's basically just a list of things about yourself. it's a tad narcissistic but it's okay every once in a while.

1) i am slightly introverted. anyone who knows would find that hard to believe. it's just that once you get to know me, i really open up and get crazy
2)i hate big crowds(see #1) i am so uncomfortable with groups larger than 20 and i hate forced meetings. i like to let things happen naturally and not because some college dean wants you to have the best experience of your life and the only way to do that is to have forced "mingling"
3)my family has this wierd dynamic where we actually like each other and we have loads of fun whenever we get together
4)one of my best friends right nnow is my little brother, he loves me unconditionally and would kick some guy's ass just for looking at me funny:)
5)i have a passion for taking pictures, something about being able to capture beauty(which is everything) on film makes me infinitely happy
6)i constanly have songs playing through my head, its like a soundtrack for my life
7)the person i miss more than anyone in the entire world would be my Nan...she died when i was 13, and i've missed her like crazy ever since
8)sometimes i wish i could go back to when i was 10, before puberty, before boys, before i had to make life decisions
9)i have never been in love...yet my heart has been broken more times than i can or would care to count
10)my older brother is a bum yet he somehow manages to make me love him for being exactly that
11)my mom and dad have worked incredibly hard to get me to where i am today and i will never EVER be able to thank enough
12)i would much rather be hot than cold but when i sleep i would rather it be cold so i can cuddle up under the blankets
13)i dont really have a favorite season, there are so many wonderful qualities about each of them that it would make it difficult to choose just one
14)i've wanted to live in Georgia since i was 12
15)my favorite music is country
16)i think that there is Southern blood running through my veins, thats the only explanation i have for why a city girl from philly would be inexplicibly drawn to the South and the southern way of life(see #14 & 15)
17)i got my dad's eyes, they change color depending on my mood. i love my eyes but always thought that no one could really see them because they were hidden by my big, huge glasses. now that i have little ones...:)
18)i have come to the realization that even if i am nothing in the worlds eyes, i am SOMEONE in God's eyes and thats a very humbling realization
19)i sometimes feel invisible
20)to cover the distance that has been put between two people, someone has to take the first step and it might as well be me
21)my absolute favorite thing to do when i am home is to put the race on, get my blanket, and nap on the couch while my brother and father are watching the race.
22)actually, correction, my absolute favorite thing to do would be to hang out with my dad:)
23)i still don't know what i want to do with my life and i am okay with that, but if you ask me again in one year when i am only a month from graduation and i still dont know, i will probably be singing a different tune.
24)people i miss tons and would LOVE to see right now;LeeAnn(in S.C.) and Jessie(in Italy)
25)(note:this one is VERY slef-centered) i love when i walk into a room and people say hi to me, its kind of like a validation that i actually DO have friends
26)i was the biggest loser from 4th grade until i went to comm. college. it started when i started listening and caring to what other people thought about me and it stopped when i realized that those people don't matter...hmmm, funny how that works.

sometimes i feel like this kasey chambers song describes my life...

Am I Not Pretty Enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe.
I let it rain on me.
I sleep, I wake.
I try hard not to break.

I crave, I love.
I've waited long enough.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel.
I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze.
I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand.
I take it like a man.
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don't I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?
Why do you see,
Why do you see,
Why do you see right through me?

I know that is probably completely irrational but sometimes...

so, should the aformentioned be chalked up to a lapse in judgement? perhaps...argh!

i think that i have feelings for this boy...who is a friend and i don't know how these feelings developed, they just did. now i am powerless to stop them. thing is, i don't feel that he is reciprocating my feelings, that's not such a good thing. i was in a good mood earlier and now because i am unsure, its making me feel crappy. i still am not even sure if i like him or not and if i think it is worth pursuing.

keeping in fashion with the lists that make you feel better...not that i'm feeling bad, i just want to make a list...

1. the sound and smell of coffee brewing in the morning
2. talking to my family on the phone
3. walking to class among the changing trees
4. hearing from an old friend
5. receiving a phone message with a song on it:)
6. getting REAL mail
7. hearing your favorite song on the radio
8. the way my little brother(19) comes pounding down the steps when i get home because he misses me
9. having real quality time with God
10. knowing that someone is thinking about you
11. being prayed for
12. getting big hugs that swallow you whole
13. discovering a new cd
14. spending time with jr. highers' who love you just for you
15. being listened to

okay, i'm gonna stop at 15 but this may become a continuing theme throughout my blog, so...

so, came back from the youth workers conv. yesterday in pittsburgh and had an awesome time. i had a great time meeting new people and hanging out with friends that i never see, which was fun, until one of them broke my glasses...;) okay, so i started it:)
i learned alot, not only about youth things but a lot about myself. on saturday, they showed this video from Malawi about the AIDS crisis and i was moved deeply by it, so much so, that i was sobbing.so, this video was about supporting L1FE revolution to bring money and supplies to those suffering. all i could think about was how this would only relieve the suffering slightly, while AIDS is still striking these people and there is nothing about how to stop it from happening. as i was still sobbing, they brought the praise band out and everyone stood up and starting singing all happy, pretty Jesus songs. it was like , "aw, that video made me really sad. now, lets sing happy, pretty songs that make us feel better." i couldn't belive it. it just sort of opened my eyes to how Christians typically take the parts of God that they like, put them together and make this happy, pretty religion. they can show it to people and say,"look at my Jesus. It's so nice and pretty. if you are a Christian, then you will be happy and if you do have anything bad happen, then just put on a happy face, sing our happy praise songs,then your problem will go away.
i don't understand how Christians only take the parts of God that they like and forget the parts that makes them feel uncomfortable.

i dont feel that i am articulating exactly what i am thinking or feeling. if you want to know what i mean, just ask me.

what's your inner flower?

[c] s u g a r d
e w

lets see... i am way super behind on my work, i have 2 tests, a paper, and 5 journals due all before i go to pittsburgh on either thursday night or friday morning, where, when I get there, i don't know where i will be staying...grrr...then i have to miss the next 3 sundays at church, technically 4 because of thanksgiving, then there is on week that i have to miss for a performance, i think, and then we leave the next friday, so i dont think that I will make it to anymore sunday schools, nor will i be teaching any of them. and i dont know if i will be on campus or at hoem next semester and if i am home, then i cant do my internship. AAAHHHH!!!!! stress sucks

I hate money. I hate the way that it controls everything that we do in life. I hate that I don't have enough to enjoy certain things, ie. college; meaning that I can't enjoy my education or the time that I am spending here without worrying whether or not I will be able to afford the tuition each and every semester. I hate that I have to live paycheck to paycheck, but hey, at least I get a paycheck, right? I also feel bad that I complain about not having enough money when people in South America are not even making enough to meet the standard living wages.
I hate being a slacker and huge procrastinator, like right now, I should be doing all the massive amounts of homework that I am behind on but instead, I am online, bemoaning about my lack of funds. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
I feel very bitter right now and I just don't give a damn.

i've been told that i need to update this.
Sabrina, consider this updated...;)

i don't know where I am in life right now. God has plans for me and my life but...what are they? I kinda just go through the motions, ya know? I do have to say that God has blessed me with some wonderful friends on my hall, who, just so happen to be my only readership. Thank you Sabrina and Sara!

oh, and i just figured out that no one reads this...thanks guys.

sarah mclachlan and celine dion sound nothing alike!

im pretty laid back when it comes to teasing. i can handle it, but when it gets to a certain point, you need to back off. case in point...tonight at work, Mo and Bekea were teasing me, and it was all good natured, then Mo crossed the line, I asked him to stop, and he just kept right on going. it got to the point were i got so upset that i had to walk out so that i didnt cuss him out or something. he apologized but it still hurt. see, what many people don't know about me is that I am actually really sensitive. i just built up this wall that keeps me from getting hurt and every once in awhile someone says something that i haven't heard before or sometimes things that i think aboput myself. and if thats the case, then it tells my subconscience that i was write in thinking a certain thing about myself because, obviously, this person thinks that to. whatever, its dumb, im tired and delirious, i need sleep.

i hate how every semester, i can't register for classes on time because i don't get enough money from the school and my parents have $0 to give and i can only give $100 every 2 weeks! it's so frustrating, i would love it if i got more from the school or if my parents didn't have the financial problems they do, and if i didn't have the ones that i did. 22 is way to young to be in debt. i wonder at what age you can technically file for banruptcy...not that i would want to do that, but it may be my only viable option. this is why i think that living at home and commuting would be my best bet. i could save money by living there and have a job where i make more money and then i can pay for college, not worry about the astronomical cost of living in a dorm, buy a car, and still have money to pay off my bills. that would be nice. although i really would miss living on campus, that's my favorite part of college. oh well, we shall see.


COUNTRY MUSIC ROCKS MY WORLD!!!!

i have to work at the coffee shop very soon so i'll make it quick. i love getting to know people better. i think that is one of my favorite things in the world. getting to know people helps you to get to know yourself. but anyway...i am so tired all the time, i got so run down last week, being little miss work-a-holic, that even though i am exhausted, by the end of the day when i want to go to bed, i can't. my body doesnt want to.i know a few people who have mono and it scares me that i am going to be next. i can't afford to take that kind of time off.
something that makes me happy
when the boy you like says hi to someone without a smile, then sees you and says hi to you with a smile. okay,so, i know that i don't come off as a girlie-girl, which im not, but sometimes and in cases where it has to do with the BOY, it's kinda hard not to be one.
okay, those of you who know me, know who i am referring to and if you know the whole story, then yes, i still am attracted to him.

end of story!

you know, college would be so much easier if i didnt have to do work outside of homework and i didnt have to worry about paying for it.

anyway, enough of the woeful tales of susie...
i miss having time to hang out with my friends. i feel like all i ever do is work, sleep, and homework. i want some time off, where i dont have to do anything and i can just chill with the people that i love, and see the people that i miss...
okay, maybe i wasn't done with the woeful...

boys are no good. girls are stupid. now with that said...here's a little story for you. girl sees boy. boy is nice to girl. girl starts to like boy. boy acts somewhat interested. girls interest in said boy increases. boy starts to pull back, a lot. girl gets offended and thinks boy is a jerk. girl stops talking to boy. and then you start the cycle all over again, for months of entertainment. basically, girls read way to much into any given situation when there is a boy invovled. grrrr...that makes me mad.
i sometimes wonder if life would be much easier if there were arranged marriages...
NAH...that takes all the fun out of it!



baby update
name: Jenna Grace

my motto on life...boys are icky, throw rocks at them!

wow! it's so wierd to have your two best do-anything-for-friends from childhood to be mommies. leeann had her baby this morning at around 6 am and now she is a very happy, but very single, mommy. i tried to write a letter to her the other day, but i couldn't even figure out where to start. its been so long since ive talked to her that its like i dont know her anymore...which is true. its not like i could just start off with "hey!! how are you?!" and go into 20 questions and then just tell her about my life. its just not fair...why do people have to drift apart? why can't stay in touch with those who mean so much to us? why does it have to take someone having a baby and being "alone" have to be what kinda pulls us back to wanting to be back in touch with the person? why can't life be like the second grade when you knew who your friends where and no one was having babies, and all it took was a letter or phone call to make you friends again?

wonderful friends, wonderful family, life is good.

so, i had a pretty good weekend. did absolutely nothing on saturday and then yesterday, i spent the entire day, making my notebook a collage...i have to admit it looks pretty cool. last night, however, i had forgotten completely about the lit. test that i had today! so, at midnight, renee and i started studying for the test and did so until about 2:15 when our brains would no longer gave a damn whether or not cotton mather even lived. we just didnt care, so, roommate studying time turned into roommate bedtime. it was quite nice actually. today, i got to talk to jessie, who's in italy right now! i was so excited, i miss her, but she's having a good time, so thats cool, but i expect her to smuggle some stereotypical, hot italian man for me. i know, keep dreaming, and i will, every night...
we moved our room around AGAIN! that makes three times so far and we have only been here for 5 weeks or so. and what a change ive made since the beginning of the semester. i have alot of trouble adjusting to new things, so even though i had been here all summer, i had to adjust to all the new people, a new roommate(who is wonderful ;), by the way), and a whole bunch of adjustments. but finally, a month later, i am adjusted.
im very tired now, with staying up to study last night, so it is off to bed...goodnight!

so, i realized that more often than i do, i need to remember that i have great friends who love me, a family who loves me dearly, and a God who loves me so much that he sent his SON to die for me...that's a very humbling thought. i had a mostly wonderful day so far. i say mostly cause i felt sick after lunch but anyway, i digress. i double booked myself for lunch today, which some people might think is bad, but to me, that just means that two people want to to see me bad enough to schedule a time to get together. it was an amazing feeling. my one big issue of the day(afternoon?) is that there is this girl that ive known since i transferred here and the more i get to know her, the less i seem to believe that she is an honest person. in that, i dont mean she is a horrible person, i just think that she makes up stories or embellishes truths to make herself sound better and more appealling to those around her. just now, that gets me to thinking...i wonder how much we all do that. i mean, how 100% completely honest are we all the time, or any of the time. its in those rare moments and friendships that we really are ourselves. but this girl, the way she is, makes me question why? why does she act this way, why do any of us pretend to be something we're not? oh well, perhaps that is something to figure out throughout my life...maybe one day. okay, enough of the tirade. i still have an hour left before i have to go to my internship, so i am going to go be productive and read for class or something.

i realize that from some peoples reactions to my ponderings, i should put this little disclaimer in it... i am fine, its just that the only time i feel the need to write is when someone has pissed me off or im just having a bad day, or just a bad afternoon. so, really, i am not mentally distressed or anything, i just havent figured out how to not be so emotional.

you know, i really hate when you like a person and you like this person for a long time and you think that this person likes you back and then they end up hurting you simply because they really dont like you back. i really hate that. i also hate when your friends are all freinds with this person and they think that hes great and talk about him around you all the time and all you want to do is make them shut up. dont they realize that it still hurts to hear about him even though you want nothing to do with him anymore. geez, why do i feel like im back in jr. high?

AARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant even put into words how i feel right now. its a combination of lack of sleep and moodiness. lack of sleep caused by huge amounts of financial debt...moodiness brought on by lack of sleep. its all an ugly circle that is bound to repeat itself over and over again. i hate this, sometimes it makes me wonder where God is in all of this.

by the way, i dont know if i said this but i am totaly happy for kara and jesse!!!

kara got engaged today, well, last night around midnight to be more exact. it's kinda weird when one of your good friends gets engaged. you get this kind of bittersweet feeling about it. on the one hand, i am so completely happy for her and jesse but at the same time, i'm kinda sad too. i dont know if its because she's getting married and moving on into the "adult world" and leaving me behind or if everyone gets this feeling when something like this happens. i can tell you that i am not jealous in the least, but there is something there, that bittersweet thing, that i just can't describe.

you know, there really is something to be said about random, off the wall, mood swings. i don't know what it is, maybe its pms, maybe its the fact that i have tons of emotions running, for the most part, unchecked throughout me and they change at a moments notice. sometimes i dont know if i control my emotions or if they control me. i am just not sure.

I was reading a friends journal and had an interesting thought. in it he was talking about how much silence we waste by spouting trivial, non-sensical ideas, competing with others to make ourselves heard. but really, how much of what is said is actually important? i realized that i myself talk with no purpose and miss out on the blessed experience that is sitting in silence with a friend. many people are uncomfortable by the mere idea of silence, therefore, they fill their space with chatter. how many people can you actually feel completely at peace with in silence without feeling the need to fill the space with words that don't need to be spoken? i am trying something out right now, speaking as little as possible, and speaking only when there is an absolute need to. i'll let you know how it turns out.

so far, this semester has been going very well, mood wise. i really dont understand it, but i think being around sarcastic, bitter people all summer is what made my moods so random. now being around people who are pretty even tempered, its better. the only problem that i really have that i need to work on is that i get into these places where i go online looking for people to satisfy me through chat and through certain websites and i know that those things are not right and that God has something much better for me in the future. i dont know what the draw is but i am reading a book about how, once you open the door to sexual love as opposed to Godly love, while still trying to remain pure, you open yourself up to sexual temptation and frustration. i wish that i could go back to when i was 14 or whatever and decided to hang out with different people so that i could have stayed ignorant about sex. i wish that i could go back to when i was 15 and stopped a guy from making me do things i really didnt want to do. i wish that i could, but i cant. if anyone has any advice as to how i can stop from being tempted, please, let me know!

i think i'm manic depressive or whatever it is they call it now. i was actually in a good mood today, which these days is out of the norm for me, and then i found out that as of friday, i am no longer employed at my current job. i knew it was going to happen, that they would hire someone full time who isnt a student, but i just didnt think it would happen this soon. it was a job that i really didnt like but i guess when you've been anywhere for a year, being told that you are no longer working there is still gonna hurt.
i've also come to the conclusion that at the end of last semester i said i was okay not being an RA, i was completely lying to myself and to my friends. it hurts, when i go to visit my RA friends and i think that i could be doing it or when i see the ones that really shouldnt be, but are anyway, i think of how much better i could do at there job than they are doing. i guess its just this whole rejection thing that i dont like, whatever. i just really dont give a damn. i'm tired and i am so sick of this crap.

I laugh so little and cry so much these days. I don't really understand what's going on right now. Nothing makes sense. I stayed at school all summer and that was probably a big mistake. I think it just makes me bitter and that bitterness seaps into other areas of my life. When people ask me how my day was, or how my summer was, the only answer that I can really come up with is, "alright, i guess," without forcing them to suffer through my embittered tales of the surface problems that just cover up the real reason why I am in a constant state of pissiness. I'm also super emotional right now, so when people say things to me that I would normally laugh at, I end up getting hurt and wanting to curl up and cry and make everyone go away. I want to say that the only thing that makes sense in this screwed up existence of mine is Jesus, but I don't even have enough confidence in the statement to make it. We had worship this morning for all the freshman and everyone was singing and praising God, while I just stood there, gritting my teeth, with my arms folded across my chest.Afterwards, everyone was saying how it was an awesome service and how moving it was, and the only movement that I wanted to make was to the door. I don't understand these faith crisis's that I experience. Over and over again i see how God works in my life and in the lives of my friends and I want to be there affirming my faith in Him and celebrating with my friends but i cant get past this sadness that is inside of me. It settles inside my chest and wraps its cold fingers around my heart and squeezes until it feels like i have nothing inside of me but this empty, hurting heart. I should probably talk to someone who could help me work through this but i'm afraid to tell any of my friends that I have these feellings because, one, i have tried before and i feel like no one is listenenig to me and, two, i am afraid of how they would react. i know that if they are truly my friends then they will stand by me, but my i've been hurt too much in the past to trust.